Growing up, I have almost never spoken to my A-ma (“grandma” in Taiwanese) because of the language barrier between us. She speaks Taiwanese and I speak Mandarin. We were never able to communicate with each other, and for the longest time, I even thought she didn’t like me. However, as I learned more and more about the language policy under the KMT’s martial law, I began to see the urgency of retrieving my “mother tongue” and the need to connect with my grandmother.

A-ma, sorry I don’t speak your language is an attempt to mend the broken relationship between my grandmother and me through language. In March 2023, I reached out to her for the first time in my lifetime. I sent her a message and she immediately read my text. Nevertheless, she never replied.

I felt slightly embarrassed, thinking she probably didn’t care. A week later, I got a voice message from her. She responded to my Mandarin message in Taiwanese, but in the background, I could hear my aunt’s voice teaching her how to record a voice message and giving her hints on how to say a Mandarin word. I realized that the week-long wait was my grandmother waiting for my aunt to visit so my aunt could teach her how to reply to my message.

“Yung-Hsin, when are you coming back? A-ma is now retired (aunt’s voice in the background teaching her how to say “retired” in Mandarin) and am staying at home every day. Come visit me when you’re back.”

It took me a while to translate what she said. A-ma, sorry I talk with you in the colonizer’s language. Sorry I don’t speak your language.